Thursday, September 9, 2010

EEG's and fear.

Next Friday. 9 am. Why, oh why, oh WHY does this terrify me? It won't hurt him, we wont be staying in the hospital, just there a couple of hours. But. I hate the word "but"....we hear it too often. Same thing with the world "complicated" .... ugh. Ever since our appointment with the neurosurgeon then the developmental pediatrician I have been in a constant state of heart attack. I spend lots of time with my sunglasses on....basically keep the radio off in the van, most of the songs that I like now make me cry....and sit here watching tv....sometimes I write blogs then delete them because WOW I am a crazy, emotional, irrational person lately! It boils down to this....fear. All I want is for my children to out live me. We've already lost a baby. That was the most helpless, horrible....lonely part of my life. And I never even held that child! I don't even want to imagine what its like to bury a child.... This "stuff" that Adam goes through forces us to. I guess its the fear of the unknown. Or maybe the fear of the known. Probably just fear.  I believe in God. I trust God. I love God. But. ...... I wish I could be like that blue eyed string bean of a boy. He walks into these hospitals and doctors offices with a smile on his face, and no matter what the news is, he walks out of those hospitals and doctors offices with a smile....He is the picture of strength. THAT is why he's my super hero.....