Wednesday, October 6, 2010

well this blog ended up all over the place.

That's what this feels like. From the time I was 3 I wanted to be a mommy. If you asked me what I wanted dolls...and lots of them...My sister and I had LOADS of dolls, sometimes the same exact doll in triplicate. I never wanted to win the Nobel Peace Prize, cure cancer ( if love was the cure my Mama would still be here though), or even be a doctor or lawyer. I wanted to be a mom. 10 years ago if you asked anyone who knew me what they thought I would end up doing with my life they would say....driving a minivan full of kids to soccer practice. Well they got the minivan full of kids part right. I was 22 when I got pregnant with Adams. SO young, so naive. I had dreams of my child being the quarterback, pitcher, straight A student, scientist, doctor, get the picture. In the past 7 years every bit of that has gone down the drain. Now it seems that we're just praying he makes it to his next birthday. Sounds dramatic....but no. groundhog day. How in the world did we get USED to hearing how he shouldn't be here??? Why doesn't hearing how hard his life has been and will be just send us into the depths of despair? In  a perfect world it would be because we know God has him...and we do know that, but in this case someone keeps hitting the rewind button..... God always heals, always answers prayers in the way you want them answered. But no. I have to remind myself that praying for my son to be healed may not end in some lifetime movie-esque way. Our beautiful blue eyed, dark haired little boy one day might slip quietly away from us...and that could be his healing. But for now we're stuck in rewind...every day is the same, every week is the same, MRI again Friday, neurosurgery appointment again Weds.... They may decide to do a surgery that would save his life one day, or they won't. Who knows? I'm at peace with the fact that he's special needs, his hearing is as good/bad as its going to get, CP doesn't progress, his Autism seems to be at a standstill because of changes we've made to accommodate him,  and his heart physically looks fine, even though his EKG's always come back abnormal. He makes good grades with the accommodations set for him at school. But no. Somewhere between rewind and fast forward somebody stuck a "but wait there's more" in. I don't know what to do with this spinal thing. I've tried to shove it in with all the other things we've come across and either conquered or accepted as "Adams". It just does.not. fit. How? Why? WHO? Seriously? Does God do this? Would he send us this little boy to change us, and other people, then take him away like that? Really??? Are our lives going to be this constant state of wondering, hoping, wishing and praying, and dread? There are some people out there who probably think I'm just being melodramatic....but. When you sit there and hear a surgeon tell you that he is a "complicated case" and were looking at "major major surgery" that we'll have to "call any friends, family, and grandparents that want to see him just in case" especially so we "wont be alone" during Adams surgery...then...and only then...tell me I'm being melodramatic. When they put your son on restriction from anything that can put pressure on his spine because it could kill him, tell me I'm being melodramatic for holding my breath every time he falls down. Adam felt horrible for 3 weeks with no explanation. He still doesn't feel well but wants to go to school so I let him. Hopefully the MRI will tell us why. Maybe they can do the surgery already so he can be 7 again. Hopefully we'll find answers so we can breathe..Then maybe the kid can sleep until 7:30 on a Saturday without the rest of us drawing straws to walk down that dark hallway to make sure he's still breathing. Then maybe God can press play on our lives....instead of rewind. I'll update Friday when we get home and then Weds afte his appt if all goes well